I never really knew how to connect to ‘the world’. I know even less now.
Since coming back from Clown Camp on Manitoulin Island, I’ve only seen one bit of local theatre and already missed plenty. Tonight, I missed a little more, only because they invited me and I knew I wouldn’t have the time to write about it afterwards, with my current schedule. So I ditched, and feel like a piece of crap as a result. Apologies all around to the OTTAWA IMPROV FESTIVAL, I’m the worse for missing you.
One day at Camp, I played out a Clown ‘turn’ for the group (a scene, basically), as we had a couple times before and would several times again. And this particular time, I HATED it. And I spent the rest of the day and night ignoring the rest of the students and wallowing in the filth of my own mind, screaming at myself what a fraud and a faker I was, and that as soon as possible I should contact the Fresh Meat Festival and tell them to cancel my show, because there was no way an imposter like me could ever go on.
But I did. I forced myself to remember one of the hallowed rules John Turner taught us at that camp, and I made it through. And now I’m still trying to remember. I have lots of nights of rehearsal now, some for THE HAIRY APE with Lisa, Donnie and the gang, and the others for my Fresh Meat show FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF DATING with Maddy and Jodi. And I wish those rehearsals were EVERY day, because I don’t know what to do with myself otherwise. People still want me to be ‘the Visitorium’, and Hell, so do I. I’m stuck right now between two halves of the same world, and don’t really feel like I belong in either. Am I a performer, a reviewer, or what? I don’t goddamn know. I sure don’t tonight, at least.
I don’t expect this gets easier, so don’t worry about commenting (tho unless you’re a spambot, you don’t anyways). I’m just talking out loud, and trying to figure out what happens to this bit of cyberspace while I’m ‘finding myself’. If you’re reading, then thanks for that. If not, then how are you reading THIS…?
Whatever. Good fortune to you, and hopefully to me in the bargain. Peace, love and soul,
Kevin Reid (and Winston)
PS: The Fresh Meat show will be AMAZING. Maddy and Jodi will see to that, don’t worry. 😉